Leisure Trove, Chalk Grail

Blood and Booze

Lovely

No that is not a pint of Cola above, it is my vomit which I produced after another binge on alcohol. Essentially its dried blood (I must have been bleeding internally somewhere). Ive been told its actually got a name: Hemostasis. Being a non medical person, I looked it up online ~

"Hemostasis is a process which causes bleeding to stop, meaning to keep blood within a damaged blood vessel. It is the first stage of wound healing."

if someone sees me drinking ever again, give me a slap. I fell off the wagon (again) last week and yesterday was terribly ill all day, im still not right after withdrawals but yesterday though id be back in hospital again. When will I learn I cant drink like others? And the sober Steven is a sweet guy, whereas my drunk ass me is a bit of a tosser (I call him my Evil Twin).
At least one good thing has come of it, namely the fact that while everyone elses cholesterol is sky high during Christmas (very dangerous), mine will be great because ive never over indulged (foodwise) during the holidays (mainly because ive been so ill from alcohol that I just can face food). From Boxing Day onwards I will be sticking to fish, fruit and water. Ive never liked the main killers (heart) of pastries, pudding and other sugary crap so all good.

The 154080 Letters

Letter One

(May 18, 2006)

Steven ~

Hi! How are you? As for me im SO excited to recieve your letter & the fact that it came all the way from the U.K. is fascinating. I feel special. Thank you SO much for taking the time to write me. I hope when you recieve my letter it will brighten your day because you certainly have brightened mine.
So you're a writer? What kinds of things do tou write? I'd love to read some of it. I also love music & movies. I also love dance. When you have a photo I'd like to have one. You mentioned that you have a few tattoos. I really am into tattoos although I only have 3 myself and one I have to get removed because its a name. I definately learned to NEVER put a name on my body. But anyway....So you shaved your head? Ive been letting my hair grow. I think I look better with longer hair. If you're interested when I get pictures in July I'll send you one. I don't like the one my friend sent to the web page. What was she thinking?
No, we aren't allowed music :shock: We're really NOT allowed much aside from the usual, stamps, 20 envelopes, 5 pictures, journals with no wire binder, and of course money orders. You also mentioned cigs?Well this is a non smoking facility. Oh! We also can have tablets of paper sent & books from the bookstore. Anything would help.
We do get to watch some movies here which is one good thing about being at a private facility. We also have the opportunity to purchase things that State facilities don't. If we have the money that is.
I have never been out of the State of Florida. Sad, huh? So when I am released I would love to travel. Tell me what the U.K. and Europe are like? I'd love pictures (5).
Yes, I like sports. I like football & NASCAR, but I play softball.
I would like to know all about you Steven so I'll be waiting anxiously on your next letter. Until then, think of me.

Kisses ~
Tammy 154080

Letters II

Steve ~

Hey! How are you? Im smiling from ear to ear since recieving your package. I love the postcards. It's so beautiful! And thanks for the paper & envelopes & the effort with stamps.You are so sweet. I just can't believe that someone who doesn't know me would take the time to do something for me. Im very touched. Thank you again! I'll be smiling for days ~ I'd love a picture of you & if I have them I'll get pictures July 4th & send you one. I'm glad you liked the picture on the internet, I didn't.
So, American Footballs a little confusing to you, huh? Me too & ive grew up with it all my life. What's the difference in U.S. football & U.K. football? I'd love to visit the U.K. when I get out. I'm not sure if I'll be able to travel. Do you need a passport & would I be able to get one with a felony? I sure would love to meet you, my special friend :P
I like sports even though i'm not too good at playing them anymore & now watching them on TV is a big hassle up in here. I've read "The Broker", it was good. I love reading now. I'll be honest before getting locked up I never read. I was always out partying & dancing & drinking. I used to love to drink & that's what got me here! Anyway, I like to watch movies too. We watch them on the weekends in here but it's really hard to hear them when there's 71 women in a small dorm.
No, there's no smoking at this facility & that's all good to me but for people who did smoke it's really hard. I'm glad you stopped smoking. That's 1 bad habit I never picked up. But I had plenty of other bad habits.
I'd love to read some of the poems you write. So anytime you want to send me one, I'd love it :geek: I'm not sure about how the time difference stuff is but if you find out I'd like to know. I get up at 5:30am M~F & 10am on Sat & Sun. I go to school at 8am M~F until 4pm. Keeps me pretty busy.

You can't dance, huh? I love to dance. Of course I think I dance great but you and others may think different. If I were out I'd teach you some of my moves. Ha! Ha!
What kind of music do you listen to? I like all types of music but I love to dance to R & B & Rap but country line dancing is fun too.I did teach a class here but I went to confinement once for fighting :shock: & they took the class from me.
Oh my God ~ you've got some special guinea pigs. 2 females making babies ~ COOL! Ya may be onto something there.
A haunted castle? That sounds spooky! Have you ever visited it? Is your internet back up? Thank God you found me 1st!
I wish I could speak another language especially now that I live with so many different nationalities! But before I lived in a small country town so everybody talked real countrified.
I love tattoos. Maybe you could send me a picture where I could see some of yours. When I get out I want to get more. It's addicting. Well I want to get this to you as soon as possible. I look forward to hearing from you, You made my birthday special with your package. Thank you! I already feel close to you :shock: Is that crazy? Well, until I hear from ya again, you'll be in my thoughts.

Kisses ~

Tammy

Codeine & Cereberus (Blanket of Pain)

Im going to be perfectly honest, as is my way. I have been addicted to codeine tablets for a while now, taking as much as 25 pills a day (this is sadly is along with alcohol). Im fairly certain by now that I am hooked on pain. But on Wednesday 27th November 2013, I decided to quit, (the codeine at least, im not strong enough to take on both) and on Wednesday I suffered the most appalling withdrawals ever. People will know by now, that much to my disgrace, I have experienced alcohol withdrawal many many times but this was different.
The craving in my stomach was like purgatory, sheer hell. The best I can describe it is imagine having hunger pains then multiplying them by a thousand. What craving! Like having Cereberus wild in ones guts! Indeed so powerful were they that it was all I could do to to grip my bed tightly, go into a foetus position and pray for strength not to open a bottle of pills in order to end my torment. How I did it I shall never know, there must have been grander forces at work. Readers, don't try it, a fun day in the park it was NOT. More like a nightmare in hell, being pulled apart limb by limb by evil, grinning demons.
The craving was not at all of course. Sweats, chivers, projectile vomit, chest and throat burns, and other pains I will not go into. Suffice to say, the corners where an addict retreat for hint of salvation are dirty and desperate. Fun long left the building. I got the whole deal and made a mental note to never visit this dark morgue of anguish ever again. I have been touched by hellfire.
Time and youth isn't on my side anymore and I have a family now. Addiction and deathwishes cannot remain on my menu, the madness HAS to stop, and stop it shall otherwise even my shadow will shatter like stained glass. Bones and organs have withered from years of abuse, self inflicted naturally, the sadist wouldn't accept it any other way. But the way of the pill must end and I will conjure my best forces, forged from years of hurt, to combat them.
I do not ask for sympathy, I never have done even when laid on hospital beds, and I might be out of reach from prayer, so the only thing I will ask of you dear reader is to try and stay with me whilst I battle this crap. I WILL do it, its within my grasp now.

Diolch. Thanks.

Steven Francis

Sobriety Coin

I received this Sobriety Coin after a month of rehab. On it is stamped the words, "Keep Coming Back" and "1 Month".

April 9th, 1996

Another doctor came to take more blood this morning. He said (again) it was to check for everything; liver, kidney function etc etc. Id heard rehab strips you down to rebuild you but this is ridiculous (but cool in morbid kind of way.) I was wearing a dicki bow today too and this had the nurses saying I was "very posh". Well for a guy in hus mid twenties to be in a drying out clinic, I thought id better have some standards hehe. She asked if id finished the 'play' to the too. Play? "Its apoem" I corrected her. Dainty little thing. I like her. Lesley her name is. Blokes name. Hmm.
Went to another meeting. Angie told the group that she had been addicted to Temazempam for 11 years and I told her Id been using green eggs (slang for Temazepam) too. Paul, a very well spoken gentleman who has famous connections, asked "what are these eggs?"
"Sleeping pills shaped like eggs", Angie replied. "Green ones", I added. Paul is amusing (in a kind way.) He has a fairly high position within the church and clearly lives in a different world from Angies. Nice chap though.

12:30pm had a meeting with Dr Gaskell, one of the head psychiatrists in Britain. We've paid for the best afterall. Soft spoken, thankfully got on with him well as ive a month of this stuff to face.
Trish told me she can't wait to hear my life story later in group therapy. Im looking forward to it as well. Not in the slightest bit worried about speaking in front of large groups. I love attention. Angie also commentated that I looked smart. I would f**k her if only its against the rehabs rules, "no fraternizing with fellow patients." Bloody spoilsports!
In therapy I told the group the bottle became glued to my hand when I picked it up and John, a counsellor, said, "I love this bloke!" Went to relaxation afterwards where we were all taught how to chill out. Breathing techniques etc. The 'teacher' is gorgeous. Went to Angie's room later for a chat. She writes poetry too.

In the evening John, Trish, Alan and myself went to Alan's room for coffee. Got back to my room around 12:20am where I read some Thom Gunn.

April 8th, 1996

My 'poetry station' in rehab

April 8th, 1996

Went for a walk in the countryside this morning. It was quite pleasant but felt like a school field trip because we walked in little groups of 3 and 4, with a counsellor leading the way like a teacher. I felt slightly offended at being thought of as addicts that cannot be trusted.
After the stroll, a doctor came into my room and asked, "have you finished taking the non permitted prescribed pills Steven?" I had brought some Mogadon and Valium with me and hidden them in my stuff. Bastards must have found them! "What pills?" I replied innocently, butter hopefully not melting. "The pills Norman (counsellor) told me about." He said not angrily.
Im certain these rooms have hidden cameras! Something felt rum. Oh rum! I had to give them up or Id be out and Id paid far too much for that. Sly f**kers. Still, im paying them to get me clean so I couldn't be too bitter.
Norman assured me they didn't practice hypnotism or any screwing with the mind to get you off alcohol. And this doctor told me yesterday that they don't do electrode treatment. "No! Nothing like that." He half laughed. It was a very real fear for me because this place can seem a bit "One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest" at times.
Sent letters to Stu, Julie, John and Danny. Another AA meeting this afternoon. John (the chap nextdoor to me) said to the group. "It seems that me and this kid have run with the same crowd. We're kindred spirits!" And I guess he was right. The counsellor also said, "Steve, you seem to like talking. What do you have to say?" Adding also, "you're a prime example of someone ready for recovery. Enthusiastic and full of go. If I may say that?" I was pleased for some reason.
Theres an AA meeting in Burnley tonight but I refused to go on account im still throwing up bile and feel dreadful (even with sedatives.) And chucking my food down the pan. I hope the pipes don't block. Trish asked if I was going but I told her Id been excused this once. "Okay darling, see you later!" Darling? Could be in there.